Parents often tell me that they have difficulty being consistent and
following through with rules and promises. Often, they have
come to see me because the child is now acting out in ways that are
disruptive for the entire family. In a parent/child
relationship, trust is an essential component.
Trust
improves communication, willingness to do things for each other
(like follow directions), and cooperation. Without trust,
there is only tension, power struggle, disruptive behavior, and
dissatisfaction on both sides.
Still not convinced that you should examine the level of trust in
your relationship? Consider this: Children learn
about the world from the families in which they are raised.
When caregivers are unpredictable, children develop the belief that
all people are like their caregivers........untrustworthy.
Children develop defensive reactions to protect themselves from
chronic unpredictability. They may have difficulty in
relationships as they grow into adulthood because they anticipate
that others will not honor their agreements.
While
your difficulty with consistency and following through may seem
harmless, consider how it feels to be your child.
I
honor your willingness to take a close, honest look at your
parenting style to determine where you are compared to where you
want to go. Keep in mind that examining trust in your
relationships is not a new reason to shower yourself with shame and
guilt. It's simply another area to consider when creating a
lifestyle of integrity. Here are a few tips:
1. Listen
Stop what you’re doing, sit down to be eye level with
the child, make eye contact, and give the child your undivided
attention. When children feel heard, they won’t try so hard to get
your attention (as when they yell or begin to throw things or hurt
others).
2.
Be Consistent
Rules and consequences need to be clear and to stay
the same. Don’t assume your child knows what you mean when you say
“clean your room”. SHOW the child where you want items to go and
how you want the bed to be made. Give the same consequence EACH
time the rule is broken.
When you change rules or consequences, let the child
know in advance and ask them to tell you what they understand about
the changes so that you know what needs to be clarified. Then
stay consistent with those changes.
3. Follow Through
If you promise to go to the park, GO. If you
threaten a consequence, enforce it. You may need to think
carefully to consider your true intentions for following through
before promising something or offering a warning. Children
quickly learn whether or not you really mean what you say. It is
difficult to trust someone who doesn’t do what they say they will do
or only honors their agreements sporadically. In these cases,
a child may feel that they have to take care of themselves because
they can't trust the parent to do what is needed.
4. Be Predictable
Children feel safe when they know what to expect.
For example, maintaining a regular schedule frees children up to
grow and develop rather than putting energy into worrying about
what's happening next. Anxiety in children can look like
anger, defiance, etc. Items #2 and #3 above fit here as well.
A good formula to remember is: Consistency = Predictability =
Safety & Trust (in you as well as the world in general!).
5.
Prepare for Unusual Events
If something comes up that will change the daily or
weekly routine, let the child know in advance (again, children
feel safe when they know what to expect). Give details about
what is happening, when, who will be present, etc. It may help
to put new information on the calendar (stickers work well for
children not yet able to read as does talking in terms of their
routine --ie. how many times they will go to bed before the day of
the event arrives). In the case of a move, for example, you
might also consider taking the child to the new house before moving
day to show him/her around ("this will be your bedroom", etc.).
Sacred
Mountain Healing Center,
LLC
